Narcissist discard is when a person with narcissistic tendencies ends their relationship with you. It can often feel like you’ve been used and discarded.
“A narcissistic personality is someone who needs to feel better than other people. They want to be the most important person in the room, or at least accepted by the most important people in the room,” says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
While people often use the term “narcissist” casually to refer to people who are selfish and self-absorbed, narcissistic personality disorder is in fact a mental health condition. Research sugg that this condition can make it difficult for people to maintain interpersonal relationships with family, colleagues, and other members of their community.
At a Glance
Relationships with narcissists are marked by toxic patterns of intense appreciation and depreciation. They make you feel special and needed, but their attention turns to scorn. Finally, when you no longer serve their needs, they discard you. It can be a painful and distressing experience, so it's important to understand more about why it happens and the steps you can take to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Can a Narcissist Love?
Narcissist Discard in Relationships
It can be helpful to understand narcissist discard in the context of a narcissistic relationship. These are the stages of narcissistic relationships, according to Dr. Daramus:
Appreciation
Narcissistic relationships often start off at a fervent pitch. The person will seem like someone special, and they’ll make you feel unique. Whether romantic, professional, or otherwise, the relationship will move fast.
All this attention can feel nice, but it's important to recognize it for what it is—love-bombing. This involves showering someone with attention, affection, and praise in order to manipulate or take advantage of them.
Depreciation
Eventually, the person with narcissistic tendencies will start picking you apart and finding faults with you. They’ll set you against others by telling you why another person is better than you; meanwhile, they’ll be praising you to make someone else feel small.
They’ll gaslight you, by distorting your sense of reality and blaming you for the distress it causes you.
Repetition
You’ll find yourself feeling confused, anxious, depressed, and scrambling to be good enough. If you try to pull away, they'll react with hurt and rage, but then the cycle of appreciation and depreciation will start again.
Discard
They will use you for personal gain, and when you’re no longer of use to them, they will discard you.
Sometimes, this discard is final; the relationship ends, and they move on to repeat the cycle with someone else. In other cases, it might be temporary. When they need something else, they'll draw you back into the relationship to begin the same distressing and damaging cycle all over again.
What Is Triangulation in Psychology?
Reasons for Narcissist Discard
What causes a narcissist to discard you? According to a 2017 study, people with narcissistic personality disorder often have trouble maintaining long-term relationships. They tend to use people to prop up their sense of self, often due to a deficiency of parental affection in childhood. They think of others as objects to discard when they’re no longer useful.
Dr. Daramus lists some reasons why a person with narcissistic tendencies might discard you:
- You were too difficult for them to control
- You were easily manipulated by them, causing them to look down upon you
- You no longer fuel their ego, so they’ve moved on to someone else who can supply what they need
- You may not be able to help them any further with their life goals, so they’ve found someone who can
- They feel that they can "level up" and move on to someone "better," in some dysfunctional way
Signs Someone Is Using You
Mental Health Impact of Narcissist Discard
Below, Dr. Daramus unpacks the impact of being discarded on your mental health, as well as on your partner who has narcissistic tendencies.
Impact on Your Mental Health
People with narcissistic tendencies make you emotionally dependent on them. They try to define you rather than letting you define yourself.
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Being discarded by a narcissistic personality is traumatic. Your brain’s trauma response is activated because you’ve lost the person defining your identity and your worth.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Additionally, people with narcissistic tendencies try to make others financially or professionally dependent on them as well, so you may also experience financial losses or professional setbacks.
While the entire process can be traumatic, you may be better off in the long run. Remaining in the relationship can cost you your identity and self-worth, as you’ll have to focus your life around satisfying them.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Impact on the Person With Narcissistic Tendencies
People with narcissistic tendencies typically don’t let go of their source of attention and admiration unless they’ve secured a new one. If they lose something important to their self-image by discarding you, they’ll feel the loss and come back.
However, even if they move on to a new source of attention, they may not want to lose control of you. They may not want to see you move on and become unavailable or they may still want to use you to manipulate other people.
Coping With Narcissistic Discard
Dr. Daramus suggests some strategies that can help you cope when a narcissist discards you:
Focus on Your Own Needs
Try to remember who you were and what you wanted before this relationship. Instead of subverting your needs, start paying attention to them and expressing them.
Learn More About Healthy Relationships
Learn or re-learn how healthy relationships develop, often more slowly and with less fire and drama than narcissistic relationships.
Healthy relationships are characterized by trust, openness, respect, communication, boundaries, and mutual give-and-take. As you become more adept at spotting these characteristics, you'll be better able to see the unhealthy aspects of your relationship with a narcissistic person.
Seek Authentic Support
Surround yourself with genuinely supportive people. Relationships with people who have narcissistic tendencies can leave you feeling isolated and questioning your reality.
Spending time with people who genuinely care about your well-being can help you incorporate healthier perspectives and regain your sense of equilibrium.
Practice Self-Regulation Skills
Consider learning emotional regulation techniques to help you manage the pain of the separation. Emotional regulation skills allow you to take stock of the situation and then respond appropriately. This allows you to recognize what you are feeling, accept these feelings, and explore strategies to help you cope.
Examine Past Relationships
Reflect on the factors that attracted you to a relationship with this person in the first place. You may be surprised to find that they resemble a figure in your childhood, such as a parent, who was unavailable to you.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
Takeaways
Being in a relationship—either romantic, professional, or otherwise—with someone who has narcissistic tendencies can cause you to subvert your reality and your needs. Being discarded by them can be traumatic because you’ve lost the person who defines your identity and self-worth.
While it can be a devastating loss, there are steps you can take to cope and heal. In the long run, you may be better off with healthier, mutually supportive relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens when a narcissist discards you?
When a narcissist discards you, it can take a toll on your mental health. You may feel upset, used, sad, or rejected. Because narcissists are manipulative and take advantage of others for personal gain, being discarded can also result in financial or professional losses.
Do narcissists come back after a discard?
Narcissists often come back in order to maintain control over you. Particularly the first time it happens, a temporary discard often acts as a tactic to devalue you and demonstrate that they don't need you. Their goal is to get you to realize that you have little meaning to them and it is up to you to earn their attention. A discard is often only final after a narcissist believes they have nothing more to gain from you.
How to Deal With a Narcissist
